The One You Would Be Proud Of
by Akimbo And Askew
Summary: Paris tries to cope having seen Marseille. Luckily, his wife has no patience for holograms.


_A/N: Another small episode tag, this time for "Author, Author."_

While I do not own the rights to Voyager, I would settle for that damn fine smoking jacket...

* * *

B'elanna opened her eyes to the black. She turned and saw the tiny, illuminated clock clipped to the headboard.

_0337. Just like clockwork._

B'elanna pushed herself up onto her palms, then slid onto the floor. She padded into the bathroom, one hand pressed into her lower back, the other resting on her belly. The more the baby grew, the more she seemed to push against B'elanna's other organs. Hence the frequent trips to the head—which always seemed to fall between 0330 and 0400.

When she returned to bed, she noticed for the first time that Tom was awake. He tended to sleep on his side, either snuggled around her or—as her pregnancy had progressed and she'd had more trouble getting comfortable—with his back pressed against hers. Now, he lay on his back, hands folded over his chest, eyes trained on an indistinguishable spot on their ceiling.

"Are you all right?" B'elanna asked as she climbed back into bed.

"Yeah," Tom sighed, rubbing his eyes. "I guess."

"You sure about that?"

"I just have a lot on my mind," Tom said, rolling onto his side. "It's nothing."

"Tom, come here. Talk to me."

B'elanna arranged her pillows so that she was sitting up.

"It's not a big deal, B'elanna. I don't want to keep you up."

"I have a spread shift tomorrow. Besides, she always keeps me up for a little while."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Now, come here."

Tom rolled over and curled around B'elanna, placing his head on her lap. He wrapped one arm around her as she began running a gentle hand along his back. About a year into their relationship, they had found this posture was most soothing to Tom. Wrapped in his lover's arms, he felt safer, more vulnerable.

Tom used his free hand to stroke B'elanna's belly. They had discovered that as her pregnancy progressed, this position also offered Tom the best contact with their baby. When they spoke, she seemed to move toward Tom, fluttering against his cheek.

"What's keeping you up?" B'elanna asked gently.

"Lieutenant Marseilles," Tom said reluctantly.

"Why? Tom, you know you're nothing like him."

Tom sighed deeply.

"Aren't I?"

B'elanna froze.

"No," she said firmly. "Absolutely not."

"Really, B'elanna? When we first got out here, you didn't have such a high opinion of me."

"I was wrong," B'elanna said quietly. "Besides, even then, you were nothing like him."

Tom snorted.

"No, really," she insisted. "He was self-important and condescending. You're cocky, sure, but you're also self-deprecating. And as soon as the crew began to accept you, you stopped that ridiculous posturing. You're kind and good-hearted—Neelix, Harry, and I know we can talk to you about anything. You never laugh; you always try to help.

"The only time you have ever remotely resembled Marseilles was when you were baiting Michael Jonas."

Still Tom was not convinced.

"He was a womanizer. He was cheating on Lieutenant Torrey!"

"I have never worried about that, Tom."

Tom didn't respond. Eyes vacant, he ran his fingers along her belly.

"Okay, so you had a lot of flings before me. And yes, that bothers me to some extent, but that's not really my business. Nor is it the point. None of them seemed to be complaining at the time."

"I never cheated. Never. On anybody."

"I never doubted that."

"But the Doctor thinks that I did. Or that I could."

"Why does it matter what the Doctor thinks? If Torrey is any indication, he still thinks I'm emotionally unstable."

"I don't want anybody to think I would do that. That I could."

B'elanna felt a hot tear against her leg. Tom was crying?

_What isn't he telling me?_

"I promised myself that I never would. That I wouldn't let anyone think I was capable of that."

He sounded a million miles away.

"Tom," B'elanna said quietly, "what happened?"

He swallowed hard and squeezed his eyes shut.

"Tom, please tell me. It'll be okay."

He nodded, eyes still shut tight.

"My oldest sister, Kathleen—she was twenty. In the middle of her 'Fleet nursing program. He was twenty-three, about to graduate."

"Who?"

"Caleb." The name tasted acrid. "Her boyfriend."

"What happened?"

"They were together for two years. It was getting really serious—we all thought they were going to get married."

"So young?"

"Kath's always seemed older than she is—and once she knows what she wants, she goes after it. I guess she figured that if everything was working so well, there was no point waiting to get married."

"But they didn't?"

"They couldn't. He was already married."

"Kahless! How is that even possible?"

"His wife was serving on a deep-space mission. His visits to her were so sporadic that Kath never suspected."

B'elanna still couldn't believe it.

"Your sister never checked his personnel profile?"

Though nobody would admit to it, this minor invasion of privacy was a time-honored dating tradition. After their ordeal with the Viidians, B'elanna had downloaded most of Tom's files to read during her recovery. Tom, on the other hand, had read hers almost as soon as he had access to them.

"Kath never used to do that. She believed in giving people the benefit of the doubt, that learning the basics about somebody was half the fun."

"How did it happen?"

"Somehow, his wife found out. She showed up at Kath's apartment and threatened her. Kath didn't know what to do, so she went over to Caleb's. She confronted him, but he—"

Tom began to cry silently. B'elanna hugged him to her until he stilled.

"He hit her. Hard. Just once, but it was enough. He broke her nose and she fell down the stairs. Cracked her collar bone. He tried to apologize, but she ran out. She got to a transport station and came to our family's house—she didn't know if she'd be safe at her apartment.

"I was the only one home. She didn't want to go to the hospital, so I tried to clean her up. I found some painkillers in my parents' room, and they seemed to help. She passed out."

"How old were you?"

"Fourteen."

B'elanna gasped.

_Nobody that young should have to see that—should have to go through that!_

"My parents came home a couple hours later," Tom continued. "My dad started screaming at me because I couldn't explain what had happened. I wasn't even sure what I'd given her. My parents took Kath to the hospital and she came home the next day."

"What happened to Caleb?"

"Kath pressed charges. He served five years and we hadn't heard from him since. But the wife wouldn't leave Kath alone—she'd show up at the nursing school, screaming about how Kath had ruined her life. Called her a liar, said she had made the whole thing up. Kath couldn't take it anymore. My other sister Moira was starting a civilian pre-med program, so Kath transferred to the nursing department at her school."

"Did things get any better?"

"We lost touch after…after I left Starfleet. But before that, she was okay. She'd changed, but she seemed happy again. Was a damned good nurse, too. I miss her."

B'elanna was at a loss.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

For several minutes, they sat in silence, slowly brushing their fingertips over each other. Seeming to miss the sound of her parents' voices, the baby began to kick. B'elanna felt Tom smile and relax slightly.

"Tom?" she asked quietly.

"Yeah?"

"You're not Marseilles. You're not that petaQ Caleb. You never could be."

"I love you," Tom whispered.

"I love you, too."

"I think I'm ready for bed. Finally. A whole two hours before I have to get up."

Tom pulled away from B'elanna and stretched out on the bed. He began to roll over, but she stopped him. For the first time in weeks, Tom snuggled around B'elanna and rested his hands on her belly.

"G'night," B'elanna murmured.

"Good morning," Tom replied.

* * *

"Je me fabrique un cœur de pierre

Pour devenir un grand garçon

Celui dont tu serais fier

Et pourrais tenir une maison

_I make myself a heart of stone,_

_to become a big boy_

_The one you would be proud of,_

_and could live with"_

-Dionysos, "Tais Toi, Mon Coeur (_Shut Up, My Heart_)"


End file.
